Insights from "The Myth of Normal," by Dr. Gabor Mate

(https://drgabormate.com/book/the-myth-of-normal/)

Why Normal is a Myth

Dr. Mate starts out by pointing out that what we see as “normal” in our society is something that we are used to, something that most people experience. 

In the book, the author shares a parable that he heard from the late David Foster Wallace. 

Two young fish were swimming along and crossed paths with an older fish. He greeted them jovially, saying “Morning boys! How’s the water?” They kept on swimming for a bit, and then one of the fish turned to the other and said, “What the hell is water?”

The world we witness around us as we grow up is our ‘normal.’ We don’t know enough to even question it. However, the normal in our society is not actually healthy. 

According to Dr. Mate, “much of what passes for normal in our society is neither healthy nor natural” because in today’s society, we have to adapt to a world that denies our essential nature and our very real and appropriate needs. In fact, what we see as mental illness is often “an expected and normal consequence of abnormal, unnatural circumstances.”

To put it in simpler language, as human beings, starting from birth, we need the safety, acceptance, and support to feel and express our emotions. Emotions are normal and essential to our wellbeing. We also need attention and attunement -- that means that we need caregivers who can mirror back to us what we are feeling and acknowledge those feelings.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where needing attention is frowned upon. Caregivers are stretched thin with many responsibilities and have limited attention to give.  In addition, due to their own psychological trauma, many caregivers are themselves disconnected from their own emotions. So, we end up believing that controlling our emotions is “normal.” 

In fact, this version of normal has dire consequences for our health. Study after study shows how emotional trauma increases the likelihood of serious illness, chronic pain, and a shortened lifespan. 

Chapter 1: The Last Place You Want to Be

As a definition, trauma is understood not as what happens to you, but as what happens inside of you in response to an external event.

Dr. Mate describes the two types of trauma that mental health professionals have in mind when we talk about trauma.

“Capital-T” trauma:

• Physical abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Verbal and emotional abuse

• War

• Poverty

• Severe neglect

• Racism

• Social oppression

• Other similarly extreme events

“Small-t” trauma:

• Bullying (this can certainly be “capital-T” trauma in many cases)

• Harsh, critical comments by a parent

• Social isolation

• Any event, however small, that causes emotional pain with no outlet and no resolution

At one time or another, we have all experienced “small-t” traumas. These experiences are easy to discount because they are so common. What we don’t realize is that we can honor the feelings we experience as a result of these smaller events, without becoming ‘weak’ or ‘negative.’ 

Acknowledging our pain is what ultimately brings comfort and opens up space in our hearts for joy.

How can we tell if we have experienced trauma?

1. We feel separated from our bodies. We might feel “nothing” or just not know what we are feeling.  

2. We become disconnected from “gut feelings.” Neuroscientist Jaak Panskepp wrote “We have feelings because they tell us what supports our survival and what detracts from our survival.” Someone who has experienced trauma cannot safely rely on gut feelings because those feelings have been either distorted or pushed out of awareness.

3. We have limited flexibility in our responses. The infant brain is not yet capable of ‘grey area’ types of responses. This is something we learn through healthy development. If development is disrupted by trauma, we don’t build that flexibility to think through situations and make choices that are best for us. We might respond defensively even to small misunderstandings.

4. We have a shame-based view of ourselves. Essentially, there is always an internal sense of not being good enough.

5. Our view of the world becomes distorted. An unfortunate consequence of seeing the world as an unsafe place is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is because we are primed to notice what we expect to see, and often don’t even notice the things we don’t expect to see. For example, if you believe that people cannot be trusted, every instance when someone lies to you or takes advantage of you will stick out immediately. However, any instances when someone told the truth, was helpful, or was supportive will not even register, or will seem like just an exception. The opposite will be true for someone who sees people as essentially good and trustworthy. The instances of being lied to will be the forgettable ones.

6. We become alienated from the present. Our society provides endless distracting activities, from TV programs of all kinds, to movies, social media, constant scrolling on our phones, video games, and on and on. We have the option to never slow down and sit with ourselves. Dr. Mate writes, “Ultimately, what we are distracted from is living.” Someone who has experienced trauma seeks to be distracted from living most or all of the time.

Once you start looking at your trauma, remember that it didn’t start with you. But there is also no use in placing blame. Everyone has their reasons, and the nature of our world is that we all face pain and suffering. 

Remember, trauma is not the event that happened; it’s what happened inside of you as a result of the event. We cannot stop bad things from happening. But we can face those bad things in a way that doesn’t constitute trauma. 

Here is a quick summary of what trauma is not:

1. You don’t become limited, stunted, constricted, or diminished in your capacity to feel, think, or trust your own judgment. You still feel like a full person.

2. You can feel the pain without becoming overwhelmed by it and without needing an immediate escape.

3. You don’t go to the extreme of grandiosity or self-loathing. You don’t need to be the best in the world and you don’t have to see yourself as scum of the earth. You are okay just being a person with strengths and weaknesses.

4. You can still experience gratitude and see beauty in the world around you.

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This is all for now. Future  blog posts will provide summaries of other chapters of The Myth of Normal, including examples of research studies that have looked at the relationship between emotional health and physical health.