Lost Connections -- Part 2

Just to remind you, these are the 7 types of disconnection that Johann Hari describes in his book:

1. Disconnection from meaningful work

2. Disconnection from other people

3. Disconnection from meaningful values

4. Disconnection from childhood trauma

5. Disconnection from status and respect

6. Disconnection from the natural world

7. Disconnection from a hopeful and secure future

Below is a summary of the information offered about each type of disconnection, starting from #2. The entry on the disconnection from meaningful work is included in a previous blog post.

Disconnection from other people

Here Mr. Hari talks about some studies done by a neuroscientist named John Cacioppo. One of the very surprising findings was that being deeply lonely seemed to raise the cortisol level (hormone that gets activated under stress) as much as being punched in the face. 

Here are some other things that studies on loneliness have found:

• Isolated people were three times more likely to catch the cold than people who had close connections with others.

• Almost every illness becomes more fatal if you are alone: cancer, heart disease, or respiratory problems. If people got sick and were socially isolated, they tended to die earlier or have more severe symptoms.

• People who report being lonely have worse sleep. They have many instances of something called “micro-awakenings,” which is exactly what it sounds like -- waking up briefly multiple times throughout the night.

Disconnection from meaningful values

Studies have looked at the difference between what are called extrinsic goals and intrinsic goals.

Extrinsic goals are goals that focus on getting validation from the outside. These are things like buying lots of things, buying expensive or brand name items, doing activities that make you seem “cool” to people around you. They are basically goals that focus on getting power, praise, or status in society.

Intrinsic goals are very different -- these are goals that are personally meaningful to you. They include doing activities that bring you enjoyment, like a craft, a hobby, or just something that you find fun. Even things like watching a movie or TV show or playing a video game can be meaningful if they are done for enjoyment, not as a way to numb yourself from the world.

In one study, people who achieved their extrinsic goals reported absolutely no change in their day-to-day happiness. They were not any happier. In contrast, people who achieved their intrinsic goals report feeling significantly happier, less depressed, and less anxious.

Here are four reasons why chasing extrinsic goals doesn’t usually bring happiness:

1. Thinking extrinsically harms your relationships with other people -- you might behave in selfish ways, focus on getting power over others, or just not spend quality time with them.

2. Sociologists have found that we get the most pleasure from something called “flow states.” These are moments when we lose ourselves in doing something with love. When you have the pressure to complete a task, you don’t enjoy the process of it -- you just want to get it done.

3. Materialism leaves you vulnerable to a world beyond your control. If you are not able to earn a lot of money, you feel powerless to achieve your goals. If you want to achieve a social status, but you are stuck in an environment where you can’t move forward, you can feel stuck and powerless.

4. As human beings, we have some very  important emotional needs that we need to meet. We need to feel valued, feel safe, feel like we’re good at something, have autonomy, and feel important. Materialism doesn’t meet any of these needs. No matter how much stuff you have or how expensive your stuff is, stuff is not what will make you feel safe, valued, free, or important.

Disconnection from childhood trauma

We often get messages like: 

• Leave the past in the past.

• That’s just life.

• Get over it already -- you’re not a kid anymore.

• Stop blaming others for your problems.

And other messages like those.

In a way, this advice makes sense. We do need to grow and let go of the past. Life does include suffering. If we get stuck in blaming others, we can’t move forward. 

However, this kind of thinking and advice leaves out an incredibly important piece. Before you can “get over it” or “move on,” you have to deal with the thing that you’re trying to get over. 

Think about how physical injury works. If you break a bone, you don’t just “get over it.” You get the medical treatment that helps you heal. If you just let time pass and think it will get better on its own, maybe the bone will “heal,” but it will never set right or go back to normal. Depending on how bad the injury was, you’ll never be able to do everything you could do before it broke and you might always be in pain. 

Psychological trauma is the same. It causes harm, and that harm can become permanent if you never acknowledge it and get help for it. 

These are some of the symptoms of psychological trauma:

• You develop negative beliefs about yourself. Deep down you might think that you’re unlovable, that you’re not worthwhile, that your feelings are not acceptable, and other similar distorted beliefs.

• You develop negative beliefs about other people and the world. You might think that you’re not safe and you can’t trust anyone; you might do things to keep your distance from people, even people who love you and want to get close.

• You develop behaviors that cause you more harm. You might stay in emotionally abusive relationships because you don’t think you could do any better. You might be afraid to take risks and pursue a career or an education that you want. You might become afraid to leave your house or develop obsessive compulsive habits that keep you stuck.

• You might develop an eating disorder or an addiction.

• You might not be able to enjoy life and even want to die.

These are all serious symptoms and they may never go away if you don’t acknowledge and heal emotional trauma. 

Studies have shown that emotional abuse is more likely to cause depression, even more than physical or sexual abuse. 

Disconnection from status and respect

This is not about status on a superficial level. It’s not about having a certain title or getting empty praise.

A connection with status and respect would be about feeling that you have a place in society. It’s about people valuing you for who you are and accepting you as you are. It’s about knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect, no matter where you come from, what your race is, what your economic status is, what type of job you do, or any other such factors. 

Disconnection from the natural world

This is something that we forget sometimes, but feeling a connection with nature and the beauty around us is a huge factor in emotional wellbeing.

One study got people who lived in cities to take a walk in a local park and then tested their mood and concentration. As they predicted, everyone reported that their mood had improved after the walk. 

Disconnection from a hopeful and secure future

Feeling hopeless about the future understandably leads to depression. If we don’t believe that we have something to look forward to, we stop looking to the future. As a result, we can get stuck in a perpetual present. If that present is filled with emotional pain, it can feel like a prison we’ll never escape.

One study that looked at suicidal people and their vision of the future found that for that population, the future had “disappeared.” Asked to describe themselves in five or ten years, the respondents seemed lost. They could not come up with anything. It was like a part of their consciousness had stopped functioning as it was supposed to.

In summary

In his research, Johann Hari learned a lot about how different types of disconnection affect people’s mental health. This is just the part that acknowledges things we need to pay attention to. 

If you see yourself in some of these descriptions and notice that you are disconnected from essential elements in your life, don’t despair. There is help for all of it.

The next blog post will include Johann Hari’s conclusions about how to mend these connections, as well as my observations and suggestions.