The Radical Acceptance of Everything - part 1

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The Radical Acceptance of Everything, by Ann Weiser Cornell

Part 1 -- Chapters 1 -4

Focusing - 

Focusing is a way to be with your own sensations and feelings. It is staying open to whatever you find inside yourself, with no agenda and no assumptions. 

When we bring awareness to our feelings and sensations, often the feelings shift and evolve, without us having to do anything. 

We may not experience an emotion the same way every time. For example, the ‘sadness’ that you experience today may feel a little different from the ‘sadness’ you experienced yesterday. 

In our society, we often get the message to do the opposite -- look away, don’t tune in. Cornell says, “What isn’t noticed or spoken about becomes unreal.” 

Being in pain -- 

When we are in emotional pain, we are inclined to put all of our effort into not being in pain anymore. However, the ways we do that are not always effective. As a result, we get stuck between pain and the fight against that pain.

Our inner parts are stuck in a ‘war’ -- there’s a part that’s feeling the pain and a part that’s trying to extinguish it. The problem is that usually we are not aware of this inner war -- and not being aware keeps us stuck. We have no road to change because neither part is budging and we are just in the battlefield.

Allowing awareness to come in, we can see that the part that’s in pain is trying to tell us something -- there is something wrong. And the part that’s trying to get rid of the pain is telling us the opposite -- there’s nothing wrong; move on. That part is usually concerned that the pain will be overwhelming.

Welcoming the part that’s in pain is what will finally end the war. You may need to do this with a therapist, but sometimes you can do it alone. Regardless, Focusing will allow us to see and acknowledge where the pain is coming from. And then we’ll truly be able to move on, having either solved the issue that’s causing the pain or accepted it.

The Radical Acceptance of Everything --

Cornell writes, “True acceptance is the opposite of denial.” It is the ability to acknowledge how things are and start from there.

As a simple example, we can think of something like breaking a dish. It may be a special dish that has been in your family for generations, and that you wanted to gift to your children. Radical Acceptance would be to acknowledge that the dish is now broken. Maybe it can be put together. Maybe it can be replaced. But we start with Radical Acceptance -- the dish is no longer in one piece. Once we truly accept and acknowledge that, then we can think about next steps. 

Acceptance of our true thoughts and feelings is similar. When we push aside our “negative” feelings or thoughts, we are no longer aware of them. And if we are no longer aware of them, we cannot change them. They remain lodged inside of us indefinitely. 

For example, if you feel anger towards a parent that has been neglectful, but you think it’s bad to be angry at your parents and don’t acknowledge that anger, you’ll likely be angry for the rest of your life. That anger will never go away because you won’t even acknowledge it exists. 

Noticing and accepting the anger -- acknowledging, “yes, a part of me is angry at this person who was supposed to care for me but ignored and abandoned me” opens up the path to figure out what to do with that anger.

Would it be helpful to have an honest conversation with that parent and repair the relationship? Do you need to distance yourself from that parent? Do you want to ask that parent to do something differently? Now that the anger is present and it’s telling you what’s wrong. The neglect has created some difficulty with trusting people and connecting with them. Now you can help that angry part notice how the present is different from the past, and how you have choices that maybe you didn’t have as a child.